I'll never forget you...

A poem I found in the room of a friend:


The More Loving One

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

--W.H. Auden


(Still miss you, BCJ.)

BEHOLD! I have achieved soup!

My pea soup...

Well, lately I've been in a very experimental mood...no, not experimenting with drugs, but experimenting with food! I do not consider myself a pro by any means, but I'm also not fully incompetent when it comes to the kitchen. Like most people, I can follow directions on a box, follow a simple recipe, or just throw stuff in a pot or pan and hope it turns into something edible. Tonight I made some split pea soup, courtesy of Ellie Krieger.

I was so amazed (and still am) by the color! It's the most unnatural shade of green I've ever seen. Usually you don't put colors like that into your body, but, stunningly, this soup was delicious! I even tried to go a little fancy with the presentation:

Exhibit A: Single soup bowl



Exhibit B: Pair of soup bowls



While I don't think I'm going to become a chef at a 5 star restaurant, I also think I'm actually getting a handle on this "cooking" thing...but then again, this is coming from the girl who is content eating a can of beans plain.

I guess old habits die hard...

Hopefully new habits take over old habits and stomp them to the ground...maybe squish them to a bloody pulp...ewww...

Sleep. Now.

Can't seem to sleep...

Sometimes my brain just decides not to shut off. It's really kind of annoying, actually. I feel like I'm having a running commentary going through my head where I keep saying to myself, "Shut up! Shut up!" And usually me telling myself to "shut up" just adds even more gasoline onto the fire. So, here I am, writing down my thoughts when I should be drifting off to sleep or dreaming about staring at my computer screen all day tomorrow at work. Hmm...maybe this whole "not sleeping" thing is a good thing considering the alternative!

When I'm awake like this, I'm often worrying about tomorrow, worrying about next week, worrying about the future, etc. I think you get the point. My big problem is that, secretly, I have no idea who I am, what I want to be, and where I want to go. I'm just as lost now as I was when I started college. Life is pretty good: I have a great job, my own apartment, my own car, and I can just flat out support myself. While I feel like I should be satisfied with all of this, I'm not entirely sold. Is this really what my life is going to be like until the very end? Get up, go to work, fall asleep, rinse and repeat?

If I had been given some sort of disclaimer at the start of college that read: WARNING! College degree will guarantee a lifetime of boring routine and general angst. Complete at your own risk. Beware of dog! ....I would have considered just remaining a permanent college student. Or maybe I would have run screaming for the hills. I suppose college degree is better than no college degree, but what I really want to do all day, no one would ever pay me for. In my happy-fantasy-lala-world, I would get paid to sit in a coffee shop all day, read books, listen to music, people watch, and occasionally pick up my needles and knit scarves for all of humanity. Why couldn't I get a degree in that and be taken seriously? Really, I think I could argue that this particular occupation is utterly necessary to the world! The occupation of Doing Whatever I Want Because it Makes Me Feel Good....now that's got a nice ring to it! Honestly, I think I could win some people over with this concept!

It's all wishful thinking I suppose. I'm sure I'll go back to school and get some other degree and then become an even smaller cog in the bigger cog of society.

When I weigh my options, I know which outcome I like the best....but, alas...


*Sigh*

Wide awake on the voyage home

Well, I've been back from DC for about a day now and I'm not sure that things have really hit me. Aside from my constant stream of tears, Andy and I had a lovely time at his new home. I managed to hit all major modes of transportation on this trip: bus, train, and plane...well, I guess not all major modes...didn't quite make any epic journeys on a boat!

Anyway, I'm really happy for Andy as he starts his new adventure, but I'm less than thrilled for myself. I feel like a piece of my heart is missing, as cheesy as that sounds. I woke up this morning, did the usual routine, went to work, came home, etc...but something was definitely lacking in my life. I went home and realized I had nothing to look forward to except sitting in my apartment. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my apartment (pics soon to come!), but sticking my head in a bucket of honey would be better than sitting alone. I also feel like my insomnia is slowly creeping back into my life. Yay, insomnia!...err...umm..yeah....

Yes, you can cry for me...my life seems pretty pathetic right now. My first day back at work was way more exhilarating than I ever expected it to be...that's not necessarily a good thing. At least I still have my sanity...sort of. The only highlight of my day was lunch with a friend....and now another friend is here to keep me company!

Ciao!

My bad...

So, I'm apparently already getting off to a rocky start with this new blog. It has been several weeks since I've posted anything...but you know, life has been calling!

I'm completely moved into my new apartment! I was able to move in much sooner than I originially thought, which has been the best thing that could possibly happen. I'm sure I'm like everyone else in sharing this general sentiment: moving flat out sucks! Luckily, I was able to move things over the course of a few days with the help of Andy and his soon-to-be-trashed truck! This was a much better option than having to move out of one place and into another all in one day with the help of my poor friend.

My new neighborhood is really great! I'm absolutely in love with it! Getting to work is much easier now that I can take a short 20 minute gander down the hill. I'm being green, saving money, and getting exercise which is just an all around bonus!
I promise to post some pictures of my new apartment when I return from DC!

Speaking of DC, Andy and I are leaving next Wednesday to finish moving him out there. While I'm really excited for Andy and his new adventure, I'm also very sad. I'm very curious to see how I will cope with the new situation. My goal is to get out and be as social as I can possibly be so I won't have time to sit and think about it. However, I'm sure I will need to occasionally turn to ice cream and chick flicks as a source of comfort.

Anyway, I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself...for the time being!

p.s. Lianne, I miss you and hope you're having fun in England!