Can't seem to sleep...
Sometimes my brain just decides not to shut off. It's really kind of annoying, actually. I feel like I'm having a running commentary going through my head where I keep saying to myself, "Shut up! Shut up!" And usually me telling myself to "shut up" just adds even more gasoline onto the fire. So, here I am, writing down my thoughts when I should be drifting off to sleep or dreaming about staring at my computer screen all day tomorrow at work. Hmm...maybe this whole "not sleeping" thing is a good thing considering the alternative!
When I'm awake like this, I'm often worrying about tomorrow, worrying about next week, worrying about the future, etc. I think you get the point. My big problem is that, secretly, I have no idea who I am, what I want to be, and where I want to go. I'm just as lost now as I was when I started college. Life is pretty good: I have a great job, my own apartment, my own car, and I can just flat out support myself. While I feel like I should be satisfied with all of this, I'm not entirely sold. Is this really what my life is going to be like until the very end? Get up, go to work, fall asleep, rinse and repeat?
If I had been given some sort of disclaimer at the start of college that read: WARNING! College degree will guarantee a lifetime of boring routine and general angst. Complete at your own risk. Beware of dog! ....I would have considered just remaining a permanent college student. Or maybe I would have run screaming for the hills. I suppose college degree is better than no college degree, but what I really want to do all day, no one would ever pay me for. In my happy-fantasy-lala-world, I would get paid to sit in a coffee shop all day, read books, listen to music, people watch, and occasionally pick up my needles and knit scarves for all of humanity. Why couldn't I get a degree in that and be taken seriously? Really, I think I could argue that this particular occupation is utterly necessary to the world! The occupation of Doing Whatever I Want Because it Makes Me Feel Good....now that's got a nice ring to it! Honestly, I think I could win some people over with this concept!
It's all wishful thinking I suppose. I'm sure I'll go back to school and get some other degree and then become an even smaller cog in the bigger cog of society.
When I weigh my options, I know which outcome I like the best....but, alas...
*Sigh*
2 comments:
Ah, so you're normal after all! Great post. Exceptional post.
When I feel that way, I recall a song by local talent, the Replacements, called "Someone Take the Wheel". You should look it up (seriously), but here are the lyrics:
Rip out the table
we need room to move
in a life unstable
you're so easily amused
anywhere you hang
yourself is home
throw in a tape, fix the tone
Someone take the wheel
and I don't know where we're going
anybody say what you feel
back home I guess it's still snowin'
The windows are dirty, let's hope it rains
add another newspaper
something to do with my change
I see we're fighting again in some fuckin' land
Throw in another tape man
Someone take the wheel
and I don't know where we're going
anybody say what you feel
everybody's sad, but nobody's showin'
Show me one night
kiss until a long time/I'm tired
show me one night
show
The music is pounding
out in that rain
and we're standing in the shadow
forever on the brink
turn it up so I don't have to think
Someone take the wheel
and I don't care where we're going
anybody say what you feel
everybody's sad, but nobody's showin'
Someone take the wheel
someone take the wheel
OOH I'll go and major in that degree. I've decided to get back into writing and until I am at your place, being on my own like apartment and such, maybe skipping out on the events and focusing solely on getting a book published. Will you sell it at your book store? I'll even make home made cards for you to sell, 10% for you :) I love ya and keep blogging, you never know where you'll end up, like a coffee shop.
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